november one, two thousand and nine

I need this adventure to start over once again. Do I move locations? Do I change my perspectives? Do I get to fall in love? Do I travel the world? Buy a bike?

Buy a bike->That would be fantastic. Biker Bitchiness here I come.

I think I’m longing for family. Mothers and Fathers. Sisters and Bros. Where the fuck do I find them? Where are they hiding? Where is covenant? How does that work in the “real world”?

Today on the bus I caught myself having a frequent pattern of thoughts. “I shouldn’t have to be busing” “I should have to live the way I do” “I should have to work for so little”

Where does this process come from? Obviously it leads to being un-content and miserable. Perhaps a bit of the bitterness that I taste now is simply deriving from these thoughts that I harbor and chew on constantly.

But somehow in the midst of all this, I’m thankful.

What a paradox. I’m thankful, yet I’m harboring an unhealthy feeling of entitlement. Is this my westernized pride that leads me to carry myself with this kind of an heir?

What is to be done?

A first step would be to make myself realize that I truly do capitalize on things a majority of the world could never dream of experiencing.

But I am thankful.

Am I?

(enter->self talk)
“Man I feel so privileged to live in a city where I can get places even without a car”
“Boy oh boy, I dwell in such a convenient spot and don’t even pay very much for such a luxury”
“I work in two beautiful industries that I get to pour my love and hard work ethic into daily”
“I spend time with people who influence this culture that I live in”
“I am learning about the music industry from people who actually care about me”
“I get my hair styled by the best in the city”

Good Job Melodie.

Keep it up girl.

i love seattle

daily photo #1

writing day.

yep.

“In a moment, often many over a lifetime, a realization occurs and an ultimate confidence is possessed in who He is, His goodness, and the complete satisfaction He offers. When then does pursuit die after the fervor of the moment is lost? Where does desire hide when reality is found? The more I realize the gravity at which I am loved and pursued, the more I covet those moments as existence. I do not love, I do not desire, I do not pursue, I do not…because I am afraid of where I cannot control rejection, believing the lie that denial is a rightful option between Him and me.”
-andrew hogg

january 26

“Everyday I feel more and more free from the worries of this world. Even though legitimate concerns, they are not to come between our face-to-face intimacy. I love that you allow me to get all this on my own. I mean, you are kinda leading me to stuff but you allow me to decide whether or not to truly believe it. Mom can tell me all kinds of good stuff. Pastors can tell me all kinds of good stuff. Friends can tell me all kinds of good stuff. But none of it seems relevant to me until I go through the process. Then it becomes mine. Not just what they told me but it is all mine to share with someone else who in turn will have to learn it all for themselves as well. Anyways, I really love that you really like me.”

:D

yep

Jared Anderson_People of Troy from Desperation Band on Vimeo.

seriously beautiful

lots of photos

i think im going to start posting daily-ish photos from my iphone here. could be amusing…

yep!

(someone, please teach me the ways…)

secrets

sometimes i feel like i want to be a secret.
other days i want to be real loud. make a splash. invade minds. hearts. change lives.

i’ve been thinking lately about how interesting it is that we in the american westernized lifestyle live our lives in hopes that we “become something”. or that we “succeed” at something. that we “do great things”. but it feels like much of the time we spend a majority of time just trying or just die trying.
i don’t think that school is bad or training is bad either. nor setting goals or planning. i just mean that i wish more people would just simply do what they want to do now and not worry about the future. just be happy now and what else do you need? if you look back at your life and you find that you were always happy doing what you loved, what more makes your life a success? in my book, a happy life is a successful, great, wonderful, god-pleasing, holy life.

love god. love yourself. love people. do what you want.

i feel like seattle is a place where i just get to be. me. all of me. the hidden me. the shy me. the excited me. the one a kind me. the eclectic me. the supernatural me. the sensitive me. the adventurous me. the me who gets to fall in love every single day with new faces. the me who tells stories about ridiculous things. the me who gets angry at injustice. the me who cries over the pains of the deprivation in others eyes. the me who is still searching for home. the me who is longing to be held for the first time. the me who is confused. the me who dreams. the me who writes a million thoughts down on a website that maybe four people read. the me who doesn’t care how many read it. the me who writes just for the love of it.

i’m really excited about my life.

so scared.

but so excited.

“lord, you know…” -emery carl