I’m so nervous right now. I haven’t written about my feelings in a while now. Everything is so up in the air at this moment in time. When I feel like I do right now, I probably should set anything in stone, but I can announce that my heart is in a jumble.
I’m feeling as if this “alone” kick isn’t paying off. Or perhaps it is and I just feel lonely right now. No hugs. No real laughs. No kinship.
Just me and the Lord.
But it’s so good. All this stuff IS coming up and I AM dealing with it, so it’s not all for loss.
I’ve been thinking a lot about perfectionism today. I feel as though it’s a curse. It’s a constant striving and comparing that I don’t think should be. The Lord made us human and He knows what is “really” going on inside, so I guess that just “trying harder” still doesn’t make the cut. Apparently there isn’t a “cut”. We all win. Everyone is loved. Everyone is given dreams. Everyone is messy. Everyone is made with a need for constant communion with the Trinity. No one is made any different. I guess. I mean, I don’t think it would be anywhere in God’s character to love some more than others or some less than others. He would not be “true love” if that love could be measured.
Anyways, I want to learn how to love everything I create. Even if I change it, I want to love it all. I want to love every photo snapped. I want to love every random conversation. I want to love every awkward circumstance. I want to learn how to value all of this because they are all results of simply being ALIVE. I shouldn’t think a bunch about death, but once and a while I think it’s good to realize that really I’m only one car accident or flash flood or espresso machine blowing up mishap from all of this ending. I want to have 100% enjoyment out of every breath, song, thought, laugh, cry, photo, rainfall, bus ride, phone call, street performance and even the occasional papercut.
PS. I hate texting. I hate short, brief, and fast bits of information flying by with little thought and even smaller the amount of imagination. Can we please either call or write letters? Real phone calls, with time available for a real conversation. Real letters, with detailed stories.
Alright. That’s enough.
May 8, 2009 at 9:15 am
Mel, I miss you! I’m actually pretty excited for this “lonely phase”. I know exactly what it feels like, and I went through the same thing when I was in Seattle with no friends and family.
It stretched me to have a closer relationship/friendship/sonship with my Papa, and there is no way I would ever change the lessons learned and the intimacy gained.
Love you lots,
Kendall
May 17, 2009 at 3:14 pm
these are good thoughts kiddo :)
HE who has begun a good work in you (even if it’s a lonely one) will take it to completion.
You have the mind of an artist, that’s a great gift!
Aaron
July 19, 2009 at 5:24 pm
send me your new address! I’ll gladly write letters.
I can be reached at PO Box 333, Lander, WY 82520
cheers!
October 16, 2009 at 5:47 pm
i like the way you think. you are heartfelt and real and i appreciate that.